10.08.2005

breaking the silence

ok. i don't usually write -but this week has been extremely difficult. i lost my job, due to circumstances beyond my control, and i rode a really nice downward spiral into a complicated web of self pity and despair...my husband has been so supportive (having lost his job 2 years ago). one of his first acts of kindness was to get me out of the house. he took me to go see an ingmar bergman film- SARABAND. i think it was his friend brad's idea - so brad, tim, and i went to the theatre to check it out. thought it might cheer me up. oh boy. the film was amazing but far from the place my husband was trying so hard to take me ....those of you who know ingmar's work know what i mean. (it was really nice to spend some time with brad -oh and brad, thanks for the popcorn!) last night there was another small glimmer of hope - our dear friends mark and amy came over with dessert to cheer and console us. the dessert was a lovely cake made with raspberries amy had picked at a local orchard that day. we had a really nice time. but -once again i woke up at 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep - kept thinking about what happened at work (this has been happening every morning... the first two nights after i lost my job i didn't sleep at all) so, this morning after trying to eat some breakfast -i thought i would settle into a soak in our jacuzzi tub (we hadn't used it all summer). but..... i deserved it! i didn't care how much water it would take...i was worth it! i settled into the tub -ahhhhh so nice, turned on the jets on and - what was all that stuff swirling around in my bath??.....chunks and little floating bits of black goo. for those of you that don't know me well and have never been to my home, i am fastidious about cleanliness, our bathroom is all white tile with white grout and i keep it cleeeean! there i stood - in the bath watching the black foreign matter swirling round my ankles...and thought -maannn, i can't believe this! what next? needless to say i took a shower, cleaned out the tub, and now here i sit....wondering what the rest of today will hold. will the sun come out? will i get past this? what does the future hold? what do i want to be when i grow up... what's next?...

2 comments:

studiobeerhorst said...

Sandi.........As Rick and I always remind ourselves, It always gets worse before it gets better....then it gets worse again.....Hang in there, you guys will push through this to the other side.....
love
Brenda

Willeke said...

hey sandi -
sounds familiar. The black goo.... something that really would be more likely to happen to mee than to you...
(this is starting to sound like dr. Seuss ;-) I freaked when I heard you lost your job, was worried, scared, and disappointed about what life is bringing you guys currently. So, what can I do in this. Now you seem so far away. I look at your pictures: dark, swirly, shaky and wonder what's going on. Where is Sandy who admires God's creation? Where is the beauty of this fall for you? Where has the bright flower gone? Thank goodness though we both know it: God gives us times that we might not enjoy, didn't ask for, don't want. But in retrospect He will use us too. How? I can't tell. But I know that summer bulbs only bloom then, but will again next summer if you take care of them. So take care of your personal bulb. Share with others if you can, and I will attempt to do my share to care for you so you will bloom again.
All our love from way too far away.
Willeke