The only remedy for a barren heart is prayer, however poor and inadequate…And yet I’m sometimes so remote from God that I don’t even sense his presence when I pray. Sometimes when I utter God’s name, in fact, I feel like sinking into a void. It isn’t a frightening or dizzying sensation, it’s nothing at all—and that’s far more terrible. But prayer is the only remedy for it, and however many devils scurry around inside me, I shall cling to the rope God has thrown me, even if my numb hands can no longer feel it. - Sophie Scholl
ok. i don't usually write -but this week has been extremely difficult. i lost my job, due to circumstances beyond my control, and i rode a really nice downward spiral into a complicated web of self pity and despair...my husband has been so supportive (having lost his job 2 years ago). one of his first acts of kindness was to get me out of the house. he took me to go see an ingmar bergman film- SARABAND. i think it was his friend brad's idea - so brad, tim, and i went to the theatre to check it out. thought it might cheer me up. oh boy. the film was amazing but far from the place my husband was trying so hard to take me ....those of you who know ingmar's work know what i mean. (it was really nice to spend some time with brad -oh and brad, thanks for the popcorn!) last night there was another small glimmer of hope - our dear friends mark and amy came over with dessert to cheer and console us. the dessert was a lovely cake made with raspberries amy had picked at a local orchard that day. we had a really nice time. but -once again i woke up at 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep - kept thinking about what happened at work (this has been happening every morning... the first two nights after i lost my job i didn't sleep at all) so, this morning after trying to eat some breakfast -i thought i would settle into a soak in our jacuzzi tub (we hadn't used it all summer). but..... i deserved it! i didn't care how much water it would take...i was worth it! i settled into the tub -ahhhhh so nice, turned on the jets on and - what was all that stuff swirling around in my bath??.....chunks and little floating bits of black goo. for those of you that don't know me well and have never been to my home, i am fastidious about cleanliness, our bathroom is all white tile with white grout and i keep it cleeeean! there i stood - in the bath watching the black foreign matter swirling round my ankles...and thought -maannn, i can't believe this! what next? needless to say i took a shower, cleaned out the tub, and now here i sit....wondering what the rest of today will hold. will the sun come out? will i get past this? what does the future hold? what do i want to be when i grow up... what's next?...